You Were Always Gold To Me
by Nicole Emanuel
Summary: In my form of perfect world, Adam's mother died when he was 7 and he grew up with the winchesters ever since. chapter 6 is aftet chapter 3. lots of angst and brotherly love and h/c. GEN ;poor poor Adam is sick.
1. Chapter 1

In my form of perfect world, Adam's mother died when he was 7 and he grew up with the winchesters ever since.

There are really just not enough, or not at all Adam stories to please my needs, so I decide to make me some myself. hurt \ comfort and brotherly love and you know, just the usual "aww" experience.

\- So I know I wrote that I like to pretend Adam lived with them since he was 7, BUT actually in this thing I wrote I made him 12, and his mother died more or less year ago. Dean is 19. Just brotherly fluff and chick flick moments. it starts kind of out of nowhere.

"Hey. What the fuck with the attitude?"

Adam remained silent. His gaze stuck on the floor.

"Come on, level with me here. What's wrong?" A new hint of desperation attached to Dean's voice.

The entire day Adam was just plain annoying, puting on attitude that really was not like him. And by this point of the the day, Dean was starting to lose his patience.

Dean sighed, and was about to turn around, if Adam wanted for whatever reason to play to silent game he'll just let him be; when Adam finally looked up, all big green expressive eyes.

"I miss her." He Whispered. His voice trembled a bit.

Shit.

And did Adam knew how to play Deans heart strings, and he felt such an ass for being even just slightest mad at the kid.

Sometimes it was easy to forget he was just a kid. A kid who less than a year ago lost his mother, in matter of fact, saw his mother corpse after being eaten by gouhls. That would traumatized anyone, and to say Adam dealt good with it would be an understatement. Sure at times he would get moody and quite but overall he had allways kept his appearance as a happy normal kid. His thought were soon cut back when Adam continued.

"It's hard." His eyes grew impossibly bigger and watery.

"I know" because what else he could say?

It's weird, the range of emotions that little brothers can make you feel, and Dean may know Adam for a little less than a year, but that did not change the unconditional love and care he had for Adam. And in that moment in time, Dean just felt pure anger. He was furious, for the fucked up world they lived in, for the fucked up life they had. Dean was used to it, that's the life he grew up to. But THIS, this wasnt fair. His heart broke for the kid in front of him, shattered, really.

Adam was biting his lip, trying with all his force to hold his tears inside.

Dean showed him gently the way to the couch where he finally, _finally_ broke.

He never really thought about it. The call about Adam came a week after Kate's death. John Winchester is not really easy to locate, and even then it took them 3 days of driving. So by the time they came it was nearly two weeks after- and so he actually never got to saw him cry, never saw him this vulnerable.

It was hard to explain but Adam had a way of getting distant and yet growing closer with them at the same time. As if he shut himself from showing emotions, but yet letting himself trust his new family, and showing them more and more different sides of his personality.

And it was times like this that made all of Deans big brother instincts kick in and wanting nothing more than to hold the kid infront of him, pretending that with a hug, he would make all of the bad things go away, sheltering him from the world, and protecting him from anyone and anything that could ever, harm the boy.

And Dean held him.

And Adam cried, strangled sobs and this stupid stubborn kid continued on trying not to let go.

And dean did not "shushed" him nor he tried to say anything- because what would he say? saying "It's ok" was a total bullshit.

Losing your mother is a lot of things, but most certainly it's not ok, and Dean knew first hand. So he just was there. Offering brotherly comfort he was so used to give Sam.

The vulnerable side of Adam was a side he never showed, he even sheltered it.

As if being vulnerable was preserved to his mothers eyes only, and showing any kind of weakness would be admitting his mothers lost and coming to terms with it.

So Adam cried. And Dean would never admit it, but he might as well got a little teary eyed too.

It's not ok, but it'll get better.


	2. Chapter 2

So. My original intention for this one was just fluff, cute nothing serious.  
It somehow turend into angsty angst. so. yeah.

Sam and Adam connection for this one.

Sam 17

Dean 21

Adam 12

* * *

It seems like this was their new normal. It goes both ways, loud fights and accusing harsh words, or the good old, silent treatment.

Either way, it wasn't fun. Their world was stable in instability, constant moving, motel room to motel room, shady town to another. It was all they knew, but Adam was grateful for what he had. As the baby of the family you get to be extremely sheltered. He's a smart kid though, he knows they hide a lot from him, they tell him half truths, and keep everything sugar coated for him. Most of the time he appreciate it, he gets it, and he knows it might even be selfish, but in all honestly he'd rather leave it this way. He is not really doing it all on purpose, it's more subconsciously, actually, but Adam doesn't seek for answers, he doesn't want to unravel and demand explanations.

He's not Sam.

Sam told him he found out the truth about the supernatural after reading Johns diary. He knew he wasn't supposed to do it, he knew he was crossing a line he shouldn't, but that just what got him even more intrigued.

Adam on the other hand, it wasn't exactly his choice. He didn't got introduced to it, no one explained gently and promised him it'll be ok.

He was thrown in his, or any kid's worst nightmare.

He was punched in the gut, and got scarred for life. He was forced to be mature, to give up on his childhood.

And at the very beginning, no one, was there to hug him, no one was there to calm him down.

So yeah, if they lie to him here and there, and if they always make sure he's never exposed to seeing them injured after hunts, he'll not bother.

He won't be annoying, he'll even choose to close his eyes at times. To help them.

But now, when most of their times is filled in with Sam and John butting heads, and all kinds of words and sayings, in all kinds of volumes and intensity get thrown in the air- there just not a lot he can do to escape and be forced,

Once again to face reality.

* * *

The Stanford announcement got them all off guard.

It seems like it came out of nowhere, but all of them, John included, could see the logic behind.

Sam was Sam was Sam, their brother, his son, and it couldn't make more sense.

He'd probably even said it more than once, during heated conversations prior- he'd spoken about his desire and dreams for a life, a real so called- normal, life.

They were just ignorant enough to never take him seriously. Chose to ignore.

* * *

Sam was Sam and Dean was Dean and John was John. They all had roles to portray, and they all remained loyal to their character. So when John took Dean out for a drive to grab coffee and on the way back he just, casually, mentioned that it's time for Adam to join them in hunts, Dean was not mad, or even surprised- he just reacted as he should- like a big brother.

He snorted, half smiled- "Yeah. Not happening."

The thing about Dean is he's a good solider, he will take in commands, he'll obey and won't argue, he'll mutter 'yessirs' and make sure to leave time to clean the guns.

That is- Until it comes to his brothers, because when it _does_ \- no one fucks up with his brothers, not even his own father, their own father.

* * *

Once again, another drive, silence.

He hates this, he hates the tension.

It sound sappy, it really is, but after his mothers death, they were the people who teach him how to trust again. Who showed him love and comfort and gave him a new definition of what home is.

But now, it seems like this was all just an illusion, and it is falling apart by the moment.

"Stop the car." Sam said all of a sudden.

Dean turned around and frowned.

John huffed and took a long breath before speaking and slowly said- _"why?"_

"Stop" his voice was strained. And quite.

John was about to replay when Dean just shot him a glance, apparently serious enough to make John park the impala on the side road.

Sam almost knocked the door out while opening and fell to his knees, where he lost all of his lunch. And breakfast. And maybe even last nights dinner by the amount of it.

Stanford or not Stanford, Dean was by his side in a heartbeat.

After he was done, he leaned back on the car. Knees pulled to his chest.

"Hey," Dean placed his hand on one of his knees.

"Migraine." Oh.

All but Dean had the "privilege" of being blessed to have migraines.

John migraines meant Dean would have to find ways to entertain them, keep them as far away from their ailing father sleeping his migraine off in a motel room. It was funny, but John migraines always meant they were about to have some sort of a fun activity. Going out to play video games, movies in actual theater and a lot of junk food.

Adam migraines, meant spoiling. Everyone would go above and beyond in order to make him feel better.

He was 10 when the first one hit, Sam told him he was also 10 on his first.

He was in school and it was horrible.

They called Sam and Dean who came to pick him up.

But Sam had the worst. Nothing compared to his and Johns.

First of all Sam's migraines meant at least 3 days of being bed ridden.

Secondly, it meant puking and a lot. Oh and then there was the nose bleeds.

And undoubtedly, the pain was the worst for him.

Sam had a high tolerance for pain. Adam literally saw him broke his arm in 3 places and barely flinching, but it takes one migraine to make him cry and silently sob and actually whimper.

Sam migraines meant complete silence too, so John would be the first to take off.

Adam was left with strict instructions to basically not breath in order to keep everything quite.

And Dean, Dean was Dean was Dean- big brother to the fullest, tending and trying his best to help Sam get through.

"We'll find a place to stop. You have your meds here?"

Dean's voice immediately change.

Sam remained with eyes closed, breathing heavily- "no"

"Ok. It'll be ok. Come on, lets get you inside."

Adam can see the look on John face from the mirror, definitely not pleased by the sudden change of events.

It's 4 pm and he planned on driving until late night.

"Here, water and Aspirin, it's all we got. You need to stop you say, ok?"

Sam makes the smallest nod as a response.

They drive silently for 20 minutes, when the car stops, and Sam didn't ask for it.

John steps out and sighs to Dean to do so too.

Adam is pretty sure Sam's not sleeping, but he still keeps his eyes closed, usually, he would be interested in the conversation outside, ready to step in and somehow make it into an argument.

But during migraines he really couldn't care less.

But they weren't really far, so Adam listened.

"- I have to be there by tomorrow Dean."

His tone was impatient.

Dean sighed "You know how it gets, and even if we do get there he won't be able to help with the research, and I'm not even talking about hunting"

"Dean he's 17 you can't treat him like a baby."

"You really just said that? Are you fucking kidding me? He can barely move when he's like this"

"Whoa now boy. Calm it down with the language."

"Dad, the thing is he needs a bed, and a room and normal bathroom. You wanna continue driving that's fine just drop us in the next motel we see"

John was about to say something, but then just turned around to the car. Hissing out "fine"

It took them 2 hours but they found a motel. Not a lot had been said, Dad said he'll call and disappeared with the road within seconds.

Dean left to find a pharmacy and garb some food, which left Adam alone with Sam. Well, Sam was unresponsive, unconscious, lying on bed, head covered with a blanket Sam.

He really wasn't sure but, did Sam said something?

"Sam?"

Soon the blanket was removed and that's when he understood. Nose bleed.

"Fuck." He said while trying to sit up.

Adam ran to the bathroom and grabbed some toilet paper.

"Here"

He winced in sympathy, Sam looked like he was in so much pain.

"You want me to call Dean?"

He hated this. Not knowing what to do. Not knowing how to help.

"Uh, no. Can you give me a new shirt though?"

Yes. Good. Something he can do.

* * *

Sure Adam was mature, and if you'd ask any member of his family they'd say he's just the best kid. Sam used to think about it quite a lot. There are some people, they are rear but not extremely, that it seems like there was some sort of over all agreement among everyone who knew them that they were good. He'd seen them, in all the schools he had to go through, there was always at least one. They were just lovable. By all. And by all it means ALL. From the "coolest" kids, to the nerds, to the jocks to the teachers, and even to him, the new kid. everyone.

Even if they weren't the closest friends of all groups, everyone always agreed- they were good. And Adam was blessed to be one of them. The good guys.

Always friendly, but not over-friendly, willing to help others, and just a good friend. Good son. Good brother.

And, again a good kid.

He was still a kid and he was afraid.

Because, it's so stupid, but there are so many things he wants to, needs to understand but Sam had been so caught up with John and it's not like he would just open up and start talking with Sam about it.

But _apparently_ it just happened because _apparently_ his mind doesn't works really well and he ends up just blurting out questions like- "You want to leave because you hate us?"

He's really surprised when that words come out his mouth.

Just how idiot can he be? Sam has his eyes shut, head against the wall. One hand holding paper towels to his, still, bleeding nose.

And then there's Adam asking him stupid questions.

Sam opens his eyes to slits- "what?"

Adam wants to press the undo button. To go back. He's a stupid kid with stupid fears and stupid questions and, is, _apparently_ stupid enough to say them out loud. He feels so stupid but that's actually all he could think of ever since Sam started with all this Stanford thing.

"Nothing. I'm sorry. Just nothing" he says fast. Maybe Sam didn't heard. Maybe he never understood what Adam was saying.

And can Dean be back already?

Sam opens his eyes, and slowly turn his head to Adam's direction- "Adam."

Through the pain of his throbbing head, Adam could see another pain, different kind, staring at him through Sam's eyes. His voice quite and honest. Something that holds truth.

It's not like he was prepared to saying what he just said, so he really doesn't know what to say now either. So he remains silent. Eyes locked with Sam's.

"I don't hate you Adam. Not you, or Dean, or Dad" his voice hiding hint of desperation and sadness.

"Then why?" Yeah Adam was mature. But it seems like all of his childish fears he lost way back then, way back with his mother, were brought back the second he learned about Stanford. It was a way of protecting himself, acting so much like everything was ok. He somehow managed to put on that play when he was only 8 years old. But now, at 12, when being on verge of yet again losing another important person in his life, he can't do that anymore.

He's scared. He acted pretty damn well for a kid who lost his mother. So yeah, he thinks he deserves to act, just a bit, childish now when he's, maybe, about to, in a way, lose his brother.

Sam is looking at him, Sam knows why he's doing what he's doing. He knows why he's craving this life so much.

He looks at his brothers though, and he also knows, just how much he loves them. Just how much it breaks his heart that Adam could even be able to think he hates him. That's so far away from the truth.

Sam knows, that the best title he earned in his life was being- a big brother.

It hurts him to think that he'd may be failing Adam with his decision. In a perfect world, Sam acceptance to Stanford would be source of pride. It wouldn't be "betraying" your family, it would just mean looking forward to holidays and vacations and buying over size hoodies to give Adam from the Stanford gift shop.

But then again, in a perfect world, Adam would not be a part of their family.

He wants to give Adam the best answer, explain everything, he just doesn't know how. It's the pain in his head, and maybe fever he feels he's developing, and the combination of the question Adam just made, but he feels like crying.

Lost for words, he says "it's complicated."

And what kind of a failure big brother he is to give that kind of answers.

And there's that, Failure.

The feeling he'd been feeling his entire life.

But he's not about to say that to Adam, tell him that part of him leaving is because he's actually afraid of failing them. Of them to understand just how much of a failure he is. So he turns to what he knows best, and was always good at- school, studying. Stanford is not a risk, it's a safety net.

And it's Adam turn to say something

"I don't want you to leave"

"I don't want to leave you."

But he knows John will leave him no choice. One way or another. He knows he meant what he said, and if he'll actually leave he won't be able to see them ever again. John Winchester stays true to his word.

So Sam takes a long breath before speaking. "Adam. I don't hate you, and please don't ever think like that. You and Dean you're the most important people in my life. But there's more than that. The only thing I'm begging you is to not hate me back."

He would never say that if not for the now 100% sure fever he developed.

He wants to cry and scream and he just doesn't want to be.

It really is not like them, all this talking, showing emotions that much.

But John and Dean are not around to tease, so when he whispers "come here" and Adam crawls in bed next to him and leans against him, and they just stay like that for awhile, if he can just focus on that only it almost feels like it's gonna be ok.

He knows it won't though, but Sam doesn't give a shit about the hideous pain in his head that is literally about to explode, or the nausea that just won't stop.

He could care less about the taste of blood in his mouth from the previous nose bleed.

All he could care about is the kid in his arms, the kid he failed, the family he failed, the life he failed.

Hoping more than anything to somehow keep them close, hoping to not lose them, but not lose himself in the road that will led him there either. "There" he didn't know what "there" was, what he will find in the end.

He just wanted his brothers by his side.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam 20

Dean 24

* * *

Adam 15

Sam is at Stanford. Dean is getting laid. John is never there. Adam is so very much extremely, sick. And tired. And sad.

* * *

It's been 2 and half years since Sam left. The night Sam left was a memory they all wish to forget. But thinking about it now, its kinda cute they really thought they would just cut Sam off their lives just because John said so. John said many things, John said he'd be home for Christmas, John said he'd be back in time for Sam's graduation, for Adam's birthday, for Dean's knee surgery. So John said so, so fucking what?

It was kind of an unspoken pact they had.

Obviously, he wasn't dumb, John knew. Dean and Adam just made sure to never talk about it in front of him.

It was kinda sad too, how come you have a kid, you raise him, you love him, and then at 18 he ends up getting into one of the most prestigious universities of the states, on a full ride scholarship none the less- and the man deletes him from his life, completely.

Dean really tries, and it's crazy to admit but he doesn't think that John mentioned Sam in the last 2 years. At all. He hopes John at least thinks about Sam from time to time, because it seems like someone had taken John's mind and just erased Sam and everything Sam-related. As if he never existed, never born.

* * *

2 months is all it took.

Dean was after a hunt with Caleb, he came out of the shower when he got the call.

* * *

Sam was drunk, and he called.

More than anything it was a funny call, Sam slurred words and he was giggly and a complete dork and just so much Sam.

Happy Sam. Through incoherent sentences they promised to keep in touch. The visits were the next to come, and the phone calls became something of a regular basis.

For both, Dean and Adam.

John ignored but he knew, they all knew he knew, like anyone would believe that it just so happens that, on Christmas they find a lead on a hunt in the northwest area of California. Yeah, not suspicious at all.

But he let them be, so they would respect him back by not mentioning Sam. And Dean would try not to think about just how fucked up this whole situation is.

But things were different.

First of all, Adam was starting to go to hunts here and there. Nothing serious, nothing too dangerous.

John had him start training the next week after Sam left. It was not the best period of time for the Winchesters. Dean fought to not let Adam into this world, and John said things that made Dean's blood boil with anger such as "Now we're in lost of a solider and we need to fill in the gap"

Like Sam and Adam were here just for John's hunting purposes, and had no human value what so ever.

As if the over exaggerated, overwhelming, over emotionally draining, over everything fight Sam and John had the night before was not enough drama for one week.

Adam was torn between losing Sam, to now being the source of his father and brother fighting.

But John knew how to end this, and what would make Dean give in, he knew what buttons to press.

"Nothing can promise you, you'll always be here to protect him. The kid needs to protect himself, and if you are the one willing to put him in danger then be my guest."

Even John knew it was a dick move, phrasing that in that way, making Dean feeling guilty, but he also knew it would work. And it did.

* * *

At 14 Adam had his growth spurt, it's like he went to sleep as a child and then woke up all of a sudden almost as tall as Dean, with a deep voice to match.

Obviously though, as a typical Winchester, even with all the new height and new hormones he had going on, his baby face game still going strong.

* * *

Stanford had been intense lately, so there's not a lot of Sam communication this days.

Dean had been dating this girl on/off for the last couple of months, "dating" is a big word for a relationship which is 70% based on hooking up, and 30% on shallow conversations.

He doesn't find her really interesting, but the sex is good, and when they do talk she makes him laugh, and she's half Italian and makes him this amazing lasagna so it's not like he's suffering much.

He tries to meet her on weekends, she lives in Reno, which is just fitting considering the fact Sam is only 4 hours away.

He ignores the hate glances he gets from Adam when leaving, they're staying in a small town in Wyoming for Adam to finish his freshman year. He feels pretty bad for him though. It's not had been the best time for Adam lately, John was being extra annoying with training, and Dean wouldn't blame him for hating the small town they were at, it was depressing in all forms, school was ok, and Adam always would find friends, but it's not like he got to hang out with them with John's strict schedule.

Now that Dean would get to do more and more solo hunts, John felt like Adam should step his game up, join the big boys league.

* * *

Frustration. That's the main thing he feels lately. From his dad, from Dean, even from Sam. From school, from the shitty place they'd been staying at, it seems like everything was irritating him, even the freezing February weather going on.

It's Thursday which means beginning of the weekend, Dean took off to visit- Emma? Emily? Ava? yeah he really wasn't sure. Nor he cared.

Adam was just, so excited for the weekend. Not.

Every once in a while John would decide to settle in, obviously not permanent, but for longer than usual.

Usually Adam would be happy, but it just seems like everything was going bad for him. The neighborhood was actually nice, so that was ok. It was decent. Which he couldn't say on most of the places they'd been in throughout the years so that was an improvement. But that's where it ended. School was demanding, and his Dad was demanding, and he even was able to get himself in the middle of an high school drama somehow.

* * *

He wakes up it's Friday morning, and oddly enough there's actually daylight outside and it's not 5 AM and he's not awaken by his Dad's militarily-esque calls for a morning training. .

* * *

"Had to leave early morning. Be back by Monday. Fridge is full, and I left you extra money inside the envelope. Dad."

Well, that explains a lot.

If not for the cough that evidently got worst over night Adam would've been pleased.

* * *

He might as well refer to the situation cynically.

At last, he gets a bit of a break, much needed rest- but then, clearly, something must go wrong. He gets sick.

It's that time of the year everyone's sick, it's not horrible though, it's just a cold, but he'd rather do with out it.

He spends Friday taking naps and drinking tea and watching old re runs of various tv shows. By evening Dean calls, tells him he would not go if he'd known Dad is planing on leaving, Adam rolls his eyes. He's not a kid anymore, he can take care of himself thank you very much.

* * *

Hot. It's the very thing he notice. It's really hot. And wet. It takes him awhile to even realize where he is.

Pain. Is the next thing he feels, everywhere. Mainly concentrating in his chest and head, and then radiating to the rest of his body.

When suddenly a shiver of cold attacks his body and he curls in on himself it's when things start making sense, fever.

* * *

It goes down the road very quickly from there. By Saturday after noon he's miserable. The cough increased, just as his chest pain. He couldn't make himself eat because everything made him nauseous. There were some pain killers and fever reducing meds in their first aid kit so he used that, but he really didn't feel a difference. Adam's not sure if it's because of the fever, but he believes temperatures dropped to a cold that should not be legal. He was asleep when Dean called and woke up to 17 frantic text messages, demanding his response.

He doubts wether he should tell Dean he's sick, or not.

Between coughs he manages to send Dean that he's ok and was just asleep.

That's when he notice one of the messages was from Sam.

-hey kid

He stares at the phone for a bit, not sure what he should replay back

-heyyy

The text back comes almost immediately

-what's up

He wants to tell him it's all been too much. To tell him he can't sleep, and it's not only because he literally doesn't have time between training to homework. It's also because the nightmares are back.

They come and go every once in a while, making his life miserable.

He dreams about his mother.

As a kid he used to wake up screaming, waking Dean/Sam/John with him. Now though he just wakes up breathless, and no one wakes up with him.

It doesn't mean he hates it less or he gets less scared.

But John Winchester's words are drilled in his mind reminding him that a true Winchester won't complain. So he settles for

-fine

-care to elaborate? dean told me dad is being hard on you lately

-I guess

-whats going on with all of the 1 word answers?

-sorry. call tomorrow. im just tired

-ok

That's not a lie though, he is tired.

It's like his body is attacking him with coughs. He stares at himself in the mirror.

He looks awful. Pale, ghostly pale, a thin layer of sweat on his face, and red fever spots on his cheeks. All he was doing since yesterday was sleeping and somehow he's got the biggest under eye dark circles. His eyes watery and unfocused. He almost lose his balance and holds in to the sink. That's when he notice just how dizzy he is. He swallows down his nausea, but the act only makes his chest pain impossibly worse. He's now sitting on the bathroom floor and his heartbeat is way too fast to be normal.

After what seems like forever he regained some sort of strength back, only enough to make his way back to bed.

He's breathless and tired, and everything seems like a in a haze.

It's the most horrible "sleep" he had, it was not sleep it was wracking body coughs, and strangled desperate breaths and short bouts of hazy fevery sleep.

He doesn't want to ruin Dean's weekend get away, but he's not sure he can handle this, whatever this is by himself.

* * *

Sam calls Dean in the morning. He just wants to make sure everything is ok.

So when Dean tells him he's not even home and so is dad he can't help but feel a tinge of worry.

"Sam I don't understand. You texted him and he said he's fine and now you're freaking out because...?"

"I'm not freaking out Dean. It was just, I don't know, it's just a feeling. And now you tell me he's home alone a no one is even around to see if he's ok"

"Sam! Why he wouldn't be ok?"

"Have you talked to him?"

"Yes. Well. No... I called and he didn't answer and he texted back he was ok"

"You see? I'm calling him now"

"Don't call him, Sam. It's Sunday and it's 7 am let him sleep"

* * *

Dean is left with mixed emotions after the call with Sam. He looks at Emily sleeping, her ass bare and the morning glow shining on her making her look so divine, and the bed looks just so damn inviting.

Why Sam had to call and fill his mind with unwanted thoughts?

* * *

Part of being a Winchester is not being able to trust, always suspicious.

Another part of being a Winchester though is being idiot and reckless.

So Dean doesn't call before he quickly packs up his belongings, kiss Emily goodbye and starts his 14 hour drive back. No, he'll make it 12.

* * *

He groans, or some sort of gasping wheezing sound that his mind might consider as groan but obviously his body interpreted as something else.

Theres no other way of explaining it, he just feels like he was drained out of energy completely, to a point he's just a shell of human being but nothing else.

His heartbeat and wheezing breath are competing on who's louder and then the coughs appear and win the competition - and isn't that just great when his head and chest are competing on who can produce more pain?

His head definitely reached a migraine-level pain.

The pressure in his chest is becoming too much too handle, because he can cope with pain, but when being able to breath is becoming more and more challenging he's wishing someone would be around.

He's shaky and dizzy and how this sickness could worsen so much, so quickly?.

* * *

On the way to the bathroom he falls.

When he starts crying is the final sign he should call Dean or dad.

Phone in his hand and he's about to call when he receives a text from Sam.

-adam

He's too tired and too breathless and he just wants but actually just needs help.

Sam is too far to be helpful. Dean is too far too, but at least closer.

He dials Dean number, and when at 3rd ring he doesn't answer Adam is thinking about hanging up, but then he finally, picks up.

* * *

Dean is 8 hours in driving when he makes a quick stop for food and bathroom.

There's a buzz coming from his pocket.

"Hey. Adam" he smiles. Stupid Sam making crazy assumptions.

It just that then there's silence, and wheezy breathing.

"Adam" more urgent, more filled in with worry.

"Dean" it's more of plea.

Dean is now running back to the Impala.

"Hey come on, talk to me. What's going on" can Adam react already, he's starting the engine and already back in full force on the road.

"I..." Gasp "It's..." Swallow "Can't..." Gasp

"Breath" cough, cough, cough, cough "please come" Adam is surprised on how pathetic he sounds. He planned on sounding somewhat less dramatic, but hearing his brothers voice and talking, which is an act he seemingly, absolutely is not capable of doing, it's too overwhelming.

And Dean feels like he's about to have a heart attack, because his brother was supposed to be just fine and what actual fuck is all of this cant breath shit?

lucky enough he's being controlled by adrenaline.

"What. What's going on? Adam" He needs answers, he needs to understand. Now.

Adam closes his eyes. This is too much. He tried do handle this. He did. But now he can't breath well, and all of this lack of oxygen is probably affecting his mind ability to comprehend and the only thing he can hold on to is the chest-head pain, and the horriblehorriblehorrible painful sensation that is forcing himself so hard on continue breathing.

It's like he knows what he should say but his body really won't let him all this amount of words and pronunciations, so what ends up leaving his mouth is

"Sick... Chest. Hurts"

It's impossible and way way way past the legal limit but somehow Dean manages to raise up the speed limit even more.

"Fuck. Ok. I'm coming, on my way. Uh do you need hospital?"

He hears whimpering and crying and gasping chocking sounds combined all at once he prays to not hear from anybody ever again, obviously let alone- his brother.

"Sorry" Fucking idiot. Yeah he should feel sorry, for not telling Dean earlier. But Dean is not thinking this now, Dean's mind is fixed on how to get there the fastest.

After some silence and regaining his breathing just a bit he's able to say some words without dying in the effort

"No hospital..." coughing. "When are you..." Cough, Dean wince. Just hearing it makes him in pain. "Coming?"

"3 and half hours. I'll be there in 3 and half hours." He's literally pedal flooring. At this point there's not much he can do.

* * *

He's literally half an hour away.

The last 3 hours he spends overtaking cars, running red lights, and keeping phone company to Adam.

It was more of a one end conversation while Adam's busy coughing and wheezing and replying in half sentence but he couldn't bring himself to hang up on him.

"Dean" it's a scared call, the fear behind the word makes Dean frightened. He sound so young.

"Yeah?"

"Battery... About... Run out"

Dean tries to keep his composure.

"Ok. Then put it in the charger"

And then the line goes dead.

33 minutes later he's there.


	4. Chapter 4

I will continue Adam's sick story from the previous chapter I started writing it!, but then this idea just overtook everything so I had to do it.

As usual its full on sad angst serious shit.

this also should have part 2

Adam 16

Sam 21

Dean 25

••••••

When celebrating his 16 birthday Adam Winchester could never predict what a meaningful year he's about to have.

Meaningful is a cute way of defining it.

This year would be the one he will have to lie about forever, he would deny and would never talk about.

Shame and regret and pain, would be added automatically every time he would contemplate the events that will follow him for his entire life. Because Adam may not speak about it, and no one may realize just how much, of effect it had on him, but his brain would not give him the pleasure in forgetting, and therefore, there was not a day, he would not think about what happened. Every day, for the rest of his life.

We all have them, the moments that shape us. Make us who we are.

-••••••

It's funny how perspectives work. If you were to ask Dean and John they would say it was a good day.

Adam would snort at that thought, Dean would even mention the amazing pie he had at that town. That damn pie. That damn town. Dean could not shut up about that damn pie for weeks.

-••••••

He was told to stay in the car, and if he was a smart kid he would stay at that damn car.

But if and if and if and if, he could not think about the if, because that would not change anything. It's just that for the rest of his life he wished it didn't.

It started as a boring case in north Oregon. 2 bodies were found in a lake.

John was even about to leave it, almost certain it was not their kind of a case.

And then he got a call, from a fellow hunter. Apparently there was a vampire nest in town, they thought they were all killed but what they didn't know was that a few hours before the original nest was destroyed, one of them has bit Joe and Leanne Delacruz.

Making them vampires, making them responsible for the bodies found in the lake.

-••••••

John and Dean hunted them. They located their home, their working hours, their nightly routine. They were ready. It was their first time dealing with vampires, so they needed to be ready, prepared.

•••••••-

He can see John and Deans shadows in the dark, moving in the second floor.

But then there was a movement from the front porch. They were them! Joe and Leanne. They were escaping.

We all have them, those moments, we really have no idea, what led us to do them, what we were thinking, as if being led by some sort of hidden force. Our bodies actions but mind is blank. Autopilot, unaware.

••••••-

There's running and hiding and they end up in a shed.

Adam, Joe and Leanne.

He's got an axe, and he knows what should happen next. It's more than what he's ever done. Decapitation. It's a whole another level of gore.

Then the door opens to reveal a small child, not more than 6. He's holding hands with a toddler, a girl. They're both wearing footie pajamas. The girl is holding stuffed animal, clutched to her side.

Leanne gasps then swallows. "Brook. Go."

Tears well up in her eyes.

Adam is stuck. Frozen. Tiny mouths with huge petrified eyes, form frightened expressions on the kids faces. They're looking at him, and then they move their gaze to their parents and then, all of the sudden, breaking their trance, Joe is jumping at him, he hears the kids screams and sees Joe's fangs millimeter from his neck and then, again, the autopilot mode controls him.

It happens so quickly but when he hears the kids screams intensity, and blood splatter, tiny drops on his hands, face, entire body is when he realized what had happened.

There's a split second where he breaks.

And then it dominates him again, years of John's trainings and army survival sense overpower emotions in these critical moments.

It's when a second before the axe falls harshly on Leanne's nape when he hears the heavy short breathing, and then a whisper, it's so small and quite and weak and hopeless. 3 words. "Mommy. Please, no"

It's dark but he can see, the hazel eyes stare, cut through all of the layers of his soul. It's the visible change in the boy's stare that makes his knees weak. One moment it's just a scared look, and then all at once becomes furious and broken, sad, scarred.

Then the kid takes his younger sister and they run away.

When it ends he's about to throw up. He feels the bile rise in his throat, burning.

When the door is open with a kick, he reales a breath he didn't know he was holding when seeing it's Dean.

-••••••

It gets him a "Way to go kid" and an approving look, mixed with pride, from his father. Dean is a pat on the pack and "atta boy".

Adam doesn't want either. Adam wants reassurance and amnesia. He wants to wipe out his brain. He wants to forget it all.

It's the first time he doubts if he can even be a hunter

-•••••••

It haunts him. It's a punch in the gut, to the most painful never fully healed point.

He would spend his time thinking about it.

That look, he wakes up with it and goes to sleep with it and follows him in form of nightmare. It's there every time he closes his eyes, it's there staring at him in the mirror, through window reflections. It's constant and permanent and just always there.

It's eating him from the inside. He tells himself again and again it was the right thing to do, but then the 8 year old kid version of himself who lived that moment, who saw his mother die as well, steps in.

They were vampires, and that's just what they do, they hunt the supernatural creatures, how come he is not strong enough to be able to comprehend Joe and Leanne he killed, are not Joe and Leanne, the parents kids, they were monsters, they were killers. he feels so fucking pathetic and fragile.

At 16, he used to always take pride in his ability to deal with situations, to cope, to handle. He now rolls eyes at how arrogant he was.

This just hits way, way, way too close to home.

That's what it takes to shatter him.

There are two kids in the world, for which, Adam will forever be the cause for all that is wrong.

They would never know their parents were not themselves anymore. They would never know nor care about vampires and supernatural, about the fact that Adam basically saved their lives.

Their parents were killed infront of their eyes. "Murdered" by Adam.

Adam who knows first hand what it feels like to witness death. He ruined their life, just like his life was ruined many years ago.

It physically hurts because its not just the guilt, it's also the fact that it makes him revive his own private experience. Over and over again.

The look is the only thing he sees, so naturally the kid's whisper is the only thing he can hear.

He might talk with someone, and it might even seems like he's interested in whatever the conversation is about, but it's there in repeat, tiny voice, a small whisper, nearly voiceless, begging, "Mommy, please, no".

-••••••

He can't keep like this forever. It seems like he's doing a good job in disguising, because no one is asking him if anything is wrong.

At times he wished they did, because he would answer everything is wrong.

••••••-

It's been a month, and Adam's little play is falling apart.

He's getting slower and slower, quieter.

He gets worried looks from Dean asking him if he's sick, and Dad yelling at him he need to keep his pace up.

It getting harder. To cover up.

He's in school when he writes in today's date and it's all just too much.

Everything hits him in the same time, nausea and chest pressure. His heartbeat racing and he can feel himself starting to hyperventilate. The room is closing in on him, shit shit shit, he needs to get out. Now. Now.

He can feel the eyes, everyone's eyes in the room are peeling him, but even 10,000 eyes won't make him feel what that single set of eyes would make him feel.

He can hear someone talking to him, can feel someone putting hand on his arm.

No no no, he needs to run. So he runs.

He needs fresh air.

When outside his phone ring. Sam. What a perfect timing.

He hangs up. Causing him to receive a text.

-can't talk?

Adam find it somehow funny because he literally can't talk. can't breath. Can't. So with shaky hands he somehow and for some reason writes:

-can't breath

He feels bad. After his own encounter with pneumonia they take respiratory distress situations extra serious.

So he adds up immediately:

-sorry moms birthday today. Bad day

It's not a lie.

-ah shit sorry adam

sorry about what? It's not Sam's fault, he's not the one who killed her. Adam on the other end is the fault for the same misery in other family.

-sam

-yeah?

-it's too much

-what's too much?

He's not sure how he wasn't crying up until now.

He stares at his phone, and then Sam calls. He answers.

"Adam." It's the calling you on your shit kind of 'Adam' like when as a kid he would hide the tv remote as a game and Dean and Sam would 'Adam' him. How he wished now to hide remotes.

At least his breathing has calmed down and he doesn't sound like a fat kid having mild asthma attack anymore.

"Hey." It comes out strained.

"What's too much?"

He huffs out a breath.

"Nothing. It's just you know, mom."

"That's it? Nothing else?" Adam is trying so much not to let his voice break.

"No. It's just not a good day." but everyday is not a good day.

He hears from the other line someone talking with Sam, "Ok well, I really have to go but call me if anything ok?"

There's real concern in his voice. He cares, he worries.

"Sure." And he hangs up.

-••••••

At Adam's 14 birthday Dean had let him drive the Impala for the first time.

He was ecstatic. By 16 he was a good driver, getting his drivers license literally the day after becoming 16.

He loved it, driving, such a shame it was rare occasions for him to actually drive.

So naturally every time a chance for him to sit behind the wheel would pop up he would take it without a doubt.

When his dad asked him to go and get them something to eat, it wasn't different.

••••••-

When starting the engine Adam realized just what a bad idea it was.

He could feel his body tense, and mind floating to all the wrong directions.

He did stop at the diner though. Ordered 3 roast beef sandwiches and fries.

Instead of taking the turn back to the motel, he continued on driving. It was the same ride, over and over again. After an hour his phone starts to buzz.

-••••••

There's honking and lights and his phone is ringing repeatedly, but his mind is clear, peaceful.

He gets lost in the moment, but yet it's so bright. He knows what he wants and what should be, his consciousness is elsewhere, he's happy.

-•••••••

Dean is pacing. He is stressed and where the hell is his brother?

"Dad. He should be here by now."

••••••••-

Before falling to unconsciousness sleep, he is attacked with a rush of emotions.

Selfish. That's Adam's last thought before closing his eyes.

He is not worth of his family's care, he's selfish and weak and not only his family's care, he is just not worth.

His last wish is to never wake up again.

-••••••••

"Am I talking with John Winchester?"

"Who's asking?"

"My name is Nora, I work for the Harmony Hospital, I'm afraid your son Adam was brought in earlier tonight."


	5. Chapter 5

This is the continuation of the last chapter.

Hospitalized!hurt!Adam, lost of angst.

Last chapter:

Before falling to unconsciousness sleep, he is attacked with a rush of emotions.

Selfish. That's Adam's last thought before closing his eyes.

He is not worth of his family's care, he's selfish and weak and not only his family's care, he is just not worth.

His last wish is to never wake up again.

••••

"Am I talking with John Winchester?"

"Who's asking?"

"My name is Nora, I work for the Harmony Hospital, I'm afraid your son Adam was brought in earlier tonight."

••••••

Chapter 5

They make it to the hospital in half of the time they should.

Dean insists he'd be the one driving. It calms him, makes him feel like he's doing something.

He wanted to take a shower, eat something and hit the local bar. No, breaking speed limits and nearly, ironically, crashing his own car on the way to the hospital because his brother has gotten himself into only God knows what was not part of his plan for the night.

••••••

He hates hospitals. He hates the over sterilized smell mixed with illness, he hates the bright white fluorescent lights. He hates the stress, gurneys everywhere, beepers and people yelling, ambulance sirens, always a baby crying somewhere in the background. He just hates it all.

They turn to the first nurse they see, "Adam Winchester. He was admitted earlier. Where is he?" It comes out harsher than he meant it to be, but it's not like he thinks about controlling his voice right now.

"Sir please go to the recept...Wait you said Adam Winchester,?"

He nods his head anxiously.

When her expression softens, and she answers "Please follow me" with a sad smile, Dean feels like punching the wall.

Sad smiles are always bad smiles.

•••••

One of the factors that encouraged Adam to the twisted decision he made was the fact he was not driving the Impala. Adam would never do this to Impala.

There's too much of emotional value and meaning and just home in the Impala, and Adam would never do it to their family.

He is so lost in his own little hell, self destructive thoughts, he doesn't see that harming a car would mean absolutely nothing to them in the compare of harming himself.

But it's not even dad's trunk, they actually had to rent a car while the GMC was in the garage.

So with the force of a car that has no meaning what so ever, Adam had allowed himself.

He had let himself go over the top.

•••••••

The doctor suggest they should seat, but the Winchesters pride, disagrees.

The car was found completely smashed, crashed into a tree. Total loss.

The rescue team had to work really hard, Adam was trapped between the cars metal and the tree.

" I won't lie. He is in a very critical stage. Adam suffers multiple injuries; minor neck injury, severe concussion, and multiple, complicated brakes in his left shoulder, clavicle and the humerus.

Our biggest concern though is a severe penetrating abdominal trauma. A big piece of glass from the window door penetrated Adam's abdominal cavity, Adam is now being transferred to an emergency surgery, in which we will determine further damage, and what organs were harmed and to which extant. Unfortunately, as I told you it took quite a long time, and a crucial time until Adam was rescued from the vehicle. Causing intense blood loss."

It felt as if they've hit by every word he said.

John is about to say something

When something about the doctor changes, full of compassion, and is it a hint of, grief?

"It's the hardest thing to hear, but you have to understand just how serious the situation is, it is possible for Adam to not make through the surgery."

Dean and John wished to be seating.

"I know it's a lot to comprehend. Do you have any questions?"

Dean could actually feel himself becoming paler and paler by the moment. John was stunned, frozen.

He cleared his throat, "Is it, just..."

He's having hard time in finding the right words. Probably because there's no right words, it's all so wrong.

One moment your kid is there, and he is ok and healthy and fine. And now, now he has to ask:

"Doctor what are the chance for Adam to survive?"

Again, sad smile. Dean knew. He just knew, sad smiles are always bad signs.

"We are doing everything in order for Adam to make through this. I know it must be extremely hard, and a lot to take in, but I really need to go back and join in Adam's surgery."

They physically feel it, as if being stabbed and shot and hit to their most precious, delicate place.

••••••

Dean doesn't smoke. He is not a smoker, no, he will light up a cigarette once in a while, but he won't agree to own that title.

The doctor left him speechless, almost emotionless, he just felt so much, to a point his body shut everything off. Making him feel empty.

But when his mind regained power back, wave of it all came rushing into him, he was glad for the cigarette pack always kept in his jacket.

He motioned Dad if he wants one too, and it gets him a "fuck yes" kind of look.

So they both step out, in silence.

It's freezing outside so when they blow the smoke out it adds up with the cold steam.

If Dean's mind up until now was Adamadamadmadam it now becomes- Sam. Sam Sam Sam Sam, he should call Sam.

One hand holding his cigarette and one holding his phone,

"Who are you calling?"

Dean waits. Praying inside for Sam to answer.

"Dean" his dad continues

Dean almost hear the voice mail, and then

"Hello?"

"Sam" he looks straight at his father, when saying his son name, his face expression becomes surprised, and guilt all over.

Deans voice reveals so much more than he intended it to be.

He doesn't wait. He can't, all he can hear is the doctors words. So he blurts it out

"Adam was in a car accident. Bad. You need to come"

It sounded before like Sam was walking, or doing something, cleaning, some sort of background noise. It stops.

"What"

Before talking Dean closes his eyes in order to keep tears at bay. "Sammy... he's hurt pretty bad. He was driving alone. You just really need to be here" he doesn't add the- because he may not make through this. Even though is the thought that's being repeatedly coming up in his mind.

Dean wonders how he can look so defeated when having such a fierce inner rage inside, he wants to hit something, someone.

••••••

Sam takes the midnight bus. It's a long drive but he should be there by midday.

He likes Stanford, Stanford is good Stanford is what he always craved.

At times like this though he doubts. There's is no other way to put it, he left his family, and now, for example, when, his little brother is in life danger, and it's only for luck that they are not on the complete other side of the country, he could've already been there. There's a man sleeping on his shoulder, drooling. Everyone in the bus are long asleep, but Sam can't even bring himself to close his eyes.

•••••••

"They can't just leave us here and except that we just wait" pacing. Always pacing.

"Dean! You have to sit. You're driving me crazy like this." And John might be sitting but his leg won't stop bouncing.

They change positions. Dean is the one bouncing his leg, and John is the one pacing.

The doctor finally comes out, surgeons cap still on.

Dean stands up immediately.

John and Dean look at him with eyes of fear. Concern it's for the simpler cases, but fear, fear is preserved for situations like this. For terms like- "life danger" and "survival chances"

Dean curses his brain for the horrible images in his head of funeral, and mourn and his family just utterly and completely falling apart. Sam dropping out, 24/7 drunk John, and Dean... Dean would try to handle it all, while dying inside

He hates on just how fast his brain makes out the worst scenarios.

It seems like forever but then the doctor speaks. "He's stable." And they don't need anymore. Whatever comes next is not important. Adam is ok. He is, he is ok and stable and ok.

And now if his mind would allow he can stop the train wreck of thoughts going on up there.

"We were able to stabilize Adam though it was not easy. There has been a lot of damage to his liver and spleen and major blood vessels, and while we were able to mend his injuries for now, he will have to undergo more surgeries in the future. It's an extremely delicate position to be in, and there are still a lot of risk factors, a lot could go wrong." He is leading them through the ICU, and stops in front of a door. Again, same pity, sad smile. Dean really wish to ban those sad smiles.

The doctor then takes a long breath.

"Now before letting you in I have to warn you first, he had trouble breathing so we had to intubate him. You have to keep in mind he's been through a lot, and he looks like this."

It's such a movies cliche.

Then the door opens and they both can feel their heart skips a beat.

Dean tries, to swallow down the lump in his throat, but none the less he can feel the familiar sting in his eyes.

Dean wished it was movie though, because in the movies they always look so clean, hair always combed and neat, looking peaceful and really just model- like.

It's not the case. Adam's hair is shaved near his right ear, stitches showing. He's got dripping dried blood down his cheek.

Hair sticking in all directions.

Big dark bruise already forming on his left Jawbone. He's wearing a neck brace.

As the doctor told him, he's intubated.

His right shoulder and arm, propped on what Dean could only describe as torture device, pins sticking out through out it all.

There's complete silence and the only sound is the heart monitor Adam's connected to, together with all kind of other machines and the IV line.

He's wearing a gown, and Dean can only try to imagine Adam's stomach where the gown is hiding his main, most critical, still crucial injury.

They spend the night in his room.

Dean is sitting next to his bed, some time along the night, he must have fallen asleep, arms and head on Adam's bed. Dad is sitting on the other side of the bed, he's lightly snoring and mouth open.

They both jump and confused when Dean's phone is ringing.

"Yes" his voice so hoarse.

"Hey. Sorry, you were sleeping?"

Sam sounds tired.

Dean runs hand through his hair before answering, his gaze fixed on Adam.

"Uh, yes, you're getting close?"

"I'll be there by 10. How's Adam?"

A soft sigh, gentle hand tucks hair behind Adam's ear.

How's Adam? He doesn't know how's Adam. He is pale and even though he's asleep Dean can see the ever so tiny twitch in the brow, Adam's trademark for being in pain, Dean can so easily recognize from years of experience tending Sick/Injured Adam.

"He's..." And he has to stop, because he can feel his voice breaking.

"He'll be ok. He will. He will be ok." It's more for his own good Dean says rather than to Sam.

•••••

As he's getting closer Sam realize he's been so caught up with Adam, he forgot about another thing. Another person.

Truth is it's quite secondary to say the least, but it will be the first time in 3 years he'll encounter his Dad.

Upon arrival he calls Dean. Even just the thought of John brings back Sam's childish fears. All at once he's the 12 years old version of himself, fantasizing about normalcy. 14 years old teenager, shaking after his first, real hunt. 17 years old fearing for his father to find the letter acceptance from Stanford.

They meet in the hall.

Something about seeing Sam is the breaking point of Dean. With one brother in life danger, and the other not by his side, up until now, seeing Sam healthy and breathing and not laying practically lifeless on a cold hospital bed, something in his defending walls, falls apart.

They hug, you know those hugs? The important events kind of hugs. Full with emotion, and meaning and power and just finding the so strongly needed comfort in each other arms.

For what seems like forever they stay like this.

When they finish they look at each other eyes, Sam trying to read all Dean wouldn't say in the phone, or just wouldn't say at all.

For the first time since last night, he is not trying to hide.

He hopes, thinks the worst is over, but it remains. The full terror in his eyes, like a deer caught in the headlight, the fear of losing a brother, sure they all had their fair share of hospital visits, but this, the ״might not make it through" never.

"God. Sam, I was thinking about how hungry I am, he was supposed to be back already and I was thinking about my damn food." There's a humorless short laugh.

"Then we come here, and as far as I know he could've been here for I don't know, sprain ankle. And then, then this." Every word comes out in a rush. Slowly fading in the end.

"He's strong. Adam is strong. It will be ok."

The way Sam says it, like he is not fully sure, just makes it all worst.

They walk the hall, and Sam is seeing Dad coming back from the vending machine, he can't help but feel a bit of anxiety.

Sam is the first to break the silence.

"Dad" small nod.

"Sam" even smaller nod back.

They enter the room and Sam gasps.

••••••••

"So this Jessica girl, getting serious huh?"

Sam turns to look at him, pure and honest and so very much in love, ״yeah. Getting serious." He adds a small shy smile, dimples showing for a brief second.

Lighting up the room.

It's when John stands up suddenly "Hey." Motions to Adam's hand, finger slightly twitching. They stop their conversation at once.

Both standing up, all gazes fixed on him, intense and fierce, waiting.

Dean whispers, mainly for himself "come on come on comeoncomeoncomeon"

Slowly, blinking, fluttering heavy eyelids open to slits. Reveling just a tiny bit of his baby blues.

There's confusion at first, which a second later changes to full on panic.

He is choking and his right arm moving forward to grab the tube.

Dean acts quickly, there is not need to put much power, so he gently press Adam's body back to the mattress. Adam's eyes are the perfect mix between terror and tears and Dean tries to gain his focus

"Hey. Adam, ADAM, look at me, hey, it's ok, ok? A nurse will remove the tube ok?"

Dean can't hide the nervousness from his voice.

It seems to work and Adam relax, but the tears are there, and he look straight to Deans. The panic is over, but the realization sets in. It's such a weird thing, to be disappointed to be alive.

He will never say that, but his eyes, his eyes will tell for him.

So he locks eyes with Dean, and there is nothing but pain.

He hangs on until the nurse is finish changing the tube to the nasal cannula, and drifts back to sleep.

•••••••

The second time he wakes up its only John. He had forced Dean to go and eat something, and Sam went with him.

He is by his side in an instant, "Hey,"

It's the gentle, warm, barely used voice.

Adam's not sure when he last heard him use it actually.

"How are you feeling?"

Bad.

"Tired" it's not more then just a whisper and is all he's able to slur out.

John snorts. "Yeah, I bet" but then his voice breaks and he looks at Adam, and cries. It's a few tears, there's no sound, but he's crying.

Adam thinks, it must have been bad. It must have been, if his dad is crying.

Then he leans in, to place a kiss on Adam's forehead.

And all Adam can think, once again:

It must have been really, really bad.

•••••••

If ignoring the circumstances, his entire family by his side it's almost like old times.

Then Sam asks the question he is been dreading, "So, what exactly happened there?"

He's been planning this, practicing what to say, and yet his heartbeat is getting faster.

Isn't it just appropriate that he is connected to an actual heart rate monitor?

"I actually don't remember at all"

He had planned out stories, scenarios, and then he ends up with this?

In a way it's better, it's not a total lie.

•••••••

It takes 3 weeks in the ICU, 3 and half months, hospitalized in total. Restless sleepless nights, never leaving Adam alone.

Hidden tears and openly ones. Frustration and concern, and fear.

Dean is not sure how they are even left with emotions in stock with all they had felt last months.

4 abdominal surgeries, one of which was an emergency surgery, after a nasty, scary, infection. Security almost was called after the doctor told them "it's time to say last goodbyes" and Dean might, just a bit, lost it.

3 surgeries on his left arm and shoulder and shit load of physiotherapy;

It's a long, long road to recovery but he makes it.

Adam's "innocent" car crash, receives honorable place in the Winchester history pages, up along with other meaningful events just like Sam's leaving.

They all say he's a hero, brave and strong.

It hurts him to think its the actual complete opposite, the whole reason he ended up in hospital was because he was, coward and weak.

It doesn't matter though, because he finally, finally understands.

He appreciates, realized just how much they care for him.

He notice the amounts of worry and pain he caused them. He decides to do it for them.

Over time, it becomes something they don't bring up quite often.

Adam would think he wants to tell them. The truth about what happened the night that had led him to the accident night.

Tell them, what had made him cross the line.

He never did.

One day in the hospital, it was when he had the infection. He was pumped up with all kinds of drugs, he was in so much pain, and fever. He started crying, they were all there and he was sobbing "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry"

When asked about he was so sorry about he just continued on crying. It was the closest to confessing he was.

He would never forget either, it's just that with time passing, and Adam getting better he could see how the constant fear they were all holding on the possibility of losing him, was fading away.

He would not bring it up, he would not want to bring back that fear with telling them the truth.

That the car accident he was involved in, was, in fact, not accidental at all.


	6. Chapter 6

So this is the aftermath of chapter 3.

Adam is sick, Dean is worried, Sam is not around, John as always is never around.

* * *

You see, when having the ability to breath, he can cry.

That's not the case when his lungs decide to choke him and prevent him from living.

But, then his brain interrupts, cause hey, the battery on his phone just died.

There is no air, and, now, there is no Dean.

Long ago in the conversation he stopped comprehending what Dean was saying, but he was there, and speaking and reassuring he's coming, he's on his way.

Now though, there's bucket load of anxiety and pain and panic, panic, panic, panic.

It would be understatement to say he was afraid, it would be an even bigger understatement to say he is crying.

He is full on sobbing, while his body is trying to strangle him, every single cry comes out as a gasp mixed with cough and pain and stabbing knifes in chest, and he can't he can't, his heart racing and he can't even seem to remember what is going on when the lack of oxygen is so significant.

He even forgets dean, cause all his can process is wrong. Something is wrong, ah no, everything, everything is wrong and failing.

His body is shutting down on him, and maybe not everything is wrong, because he is getting dizzy, then sleepy, and sleep is good? Yeah sleep is probably good, everything is better, this fuzziness is welcoming, is better... Than... Not being able to-

Breath.

•••••••

Dean is losing it.

Fucking losing it, curses fly out his mouth almost as fast as the speed limit he's breaking.

He doesn't even park, just stops the car and runs.

He is frantically searching with his eyes for Adam, and there he is, slouched on the floor, leaning against the bed.

"Dean" it's more just lips movement rather than actually vocals.

Blue. Blue lips.

Dean his by side in a heartbeat.

Adam's face is tear stricken, small heaves, shallow, voiceless coming out of him.

Glazed eyes, unfocused. It's bad.

There is no time for all of this.

"Hey. Hey hey hey, I'm here, I'm here ok? It's gonna be ok." He holds his face. He is mumbling, that's just how he reacts when he's panicking.

"Jesus Adam. You're burning."

Adam's eyes reflect mainly pain but then it seems as if he's slowly realizing who's the person talking to him and tears of relief gather up.

Then Dean feels the weakest hand holding his arm, trying with all his force just to grab him, feel his brother.

Dean close his eyes for a second, God how did it get so bad? He use his thumb to wipe away some tears from Adam's cheek.

And he knows, he knows they don't have time for this shit, and it's really not Dean- like, but all of his brotherly instincts guide him to place a kiss on Adams forehead.

"Ok, ok come on, hospital." Yeah there is no way he can hold himself, he needs to lift him.

He lifts him up, trying so hard to ignore just how bad and painful, and wrong, and weak, Adam's breath sounds holding him closer.

He runs with Adam in arms to the car thanking God for not shutting the engine off, he places him in the passenger seat.

There's "please, please, can't, can't, please, please" coming incoherently out of Adam,

Breaking Dean's heart.

״you're killing me here." He sighs.

Trying to concentrate both on driving and on making sure Adam is not dying.

There is no time to think about what the fuck happened that had led him to this.

Then he's making strangling voices, choking. There is no air moving.

"Hey. Hey! Come on look at me," one hand on the wheel, one hand on Adam's face, and god damn if he manages to crash this car.

"Look at me." It's a John-Winchester-orders voice.

It's very much possible that he's imagining but he thinks he can tell the slightest hint of concentration from Adam.

"Two minutes, just, hold on. Two minutes."

By the time they reach the hospital Dean must have lost at least 10 years worth of living from all the stress.

He storms to the ER, apparently Adam's current state is enough alarming to make the nurses rush to him with a gurney.

Then there is beepers and paging, and Dean feels lost and overwhelmed when one minute he's got Adam in arms and the next his brother is being wheeled away from him.

"What's his name? What happened?"

"Adam. His names Adam. He uh, he got sick, I don't know fuck, I don't know."

They place oxygen mask on him, It doesn't really help much, but it's something.

He's whimpering and searching for Dean.

"I know, I know, hey they're helping you, ok? It'll be ok, you'll be ok."

They're about to enter the trauma room, "I'm sorry but you can't enter,"

He is too caught up with just about everything, and before having the opportunity to say something back he gets the door slammed in his face.

•••••••••

The verdict is pretty much predictable.

Pneumonia. Antibiotics, breathing treatments and staying a few nights for observation and he should be just fine.

Now that all the drama is pretty much over, and his kid is sleeping, tucked in bed, Dean realizes just how fucked he is.

Dad would be pissed.

Oh and there's Sam with "I told you so."

And Guilt, a lot of guilt and its almost as if it's the shtriga attack all over again and why it's always breathing-lungs-related when it comes to his brothers?

But then, just like earlier and just like always, Adam leans into Dean's touch and... In the end, that's what only matters.


End file.
